The Wudder NFL Over/Under Prediction Post: Denzel Washington Edition
Welcome Back.
To The Wudder.
To Another NFL Season.
This Year’s Over/Under (We’re Sorry For 2024) Predictions Post Is Denzel Washington-Themed.
The Wudder is a safe space for Denzealotry and NFL Punditry.
So without further Badu…on the eve of a season beginning anew…let’s let this winning combo shine thru:
32 Teams.
32 Movies.
32 Quotes.
32 Wagers.
Nostrabombus is here to guide you thru to let it do what it do.
Our 2023 Record Was 26 out of 32.
Our 2024 Was Vacated Therefore Zero.
We Believe 2025 Will Be Closer To The Former Than The Latter.
But You Never Know…
Check It Out Now Then Circle Back For A Final Tally In 4 Months Or So…
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
NFC EAST
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
11.5
OVER
UNSTOPPABLE
“A train that size going that fast will vaporize anything that gets in its way.”
The Philadelphia Eagles are significantly better than any other team in football. That did not change since the last time a real game was played. Would I have brought back CJGJ? Sure. Felt the same way when they let him walk away after a Super Bowl appearance two years before. Would I have paid Milton Williams what the desperate Patriots were willing to pay? No way. Will they miss Darius Slay? I mean…in some kinda way. But they have shown the ability to spot young corner talent, even if Kelee Ringo is a DAWG yet to have his day.
People can quibble about the manner they win, where this puts MY QUARTERBACK on their little lists debated on lame debate shows during slow offseason Wednesdays. But these Birds earned their wings. Who among us would plan on them following their best year ever with disappointment? I am nowhere near that level of miserable Philadelphian.
Like the locomotive in question once Dewey botches the switch in the rail yard, buckle up and enjoy the ride. Don’t attempt to glean greater meaning. Enjoy winning entertainment. The Birds are unstoppable like the play a confederacy of rival crybabies tried and failed to legislate away.
WASHINGTON RE-Er-Gen-Football-Commodores-Whatever
9.5
UNDER
GLADIATOR II
“Man does not become emperor by bloodline alone. It must be taken by force and kept by force! Are you such a man as this?”-Macrinus
Last year was the greatest season in Washington football history since the first Gulf War ended. Dan Snyder is now a tragic part of history rather than an ongoing blight on this franchise’s best efforts to return to their past glories of the eighties. Their Cinderella Story on the way to the NFC Title Game ensured that hated rival Dallas would be the team now with the longest drought in reaching that game. And then? It all changed in Philly with a Saquon Barkley house call on the first snap of the game.
They surrendered 55 points…an NFL record in a title game. Still…that could not block the shine for a fanbase emerging from the rubble for the first time in decades. But like Gladiator, a very good bordering on great movie, to Gladiator 2: Computer-Generated Hullabaloo, there is no guarantee the sequel will be nearly as satisfying. But for fans, it will at least be fun to watch Macrinus Denzel aka Jayden Daniels trying.
Our hunch is sometimes you have to fall back before springing forward.
DALLAS COWBOYS
7.5
OVER
THE TRAGEDY OF MACBETH
“Out, out, brief candle. Life is but a walking shadow... a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot... full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”-Macbeth
No team in the NFL besides the Miami Dolphins has gone longer without getting out of the divisional round than the Cowboys. Yet during the dullest sports summer in recent memory, they maintained their brand being talked about via contract squabbles with their LaVar Arrington 2.0 Pro Bowl LB plus eight episodes of brand-stamped Netflix nostalgia. They ramped it up a notch by actually trading Parsons on August 28th.
It's all been blissfully amusing to view from the Top Bird seat. In a weird way, like Tupac said in ’95 in a world when he was alive and the Cowboys thrived, “you are appreciated”. Dear Drama, you served your purpose. Looking forward to the Birds spanking you once again to begin another win-nothing Dallas season.
All of this over their aging owner’s Johnny Walker Blue musings and the Podcasting Superstar of a Poor Defense who has one sack in his four playoff games (three of them L’s).
I’ll give the Cowboys this…they are a lot like the New York Mets: the only time you bet on them is when they have low expectations. We took the Cowboys over in 2023. We do it again here. Full disclosure: we had the Cowboys under Much Ado About Nothing before the Micah trade. Either way, Cowboy comedy and tragedy has become absolutely Shakespearean.
NEW YORK GIANTS
5.5
UNDER
THE BOOK OF ELI
“And who are you?” “Nobody.”-Eli
The Giants won two Super Bowls as a Wild Card team during this Century with Eli Manning. Eli won zero playoff games outside those two Wild Card runs in his other sixteen Giant seasons. The Giants then in eight seasons won one playoff game with the guy (Daniel Jones) they drafted because he looked and was coached by the same guy (David Cutcliff) affiliated with Eli Manning. We predicted last year they would triple-down on that strategy with Jaxson Dart, a failure at USC who went on to produce at Eli’s old school (Ole Miss) in games that weren’t against Top 20 competition. And they did it.
Now people are gassing up this new hope for an Eli resurrection (Eli career .500 QB with a 33% winning percentage vs Philly) over a preseason game only desperate folks put stock in.
This franchise is not just bad but boring. I’ve seen this Giant movie more times than I’ve watched The Book Of Eli, a perplexing project so forgettable it broke up The Hughes Brothers.
NFC NORTH
DETROIT LIONS
10.5
UNDER
MALCOLM X
“Like every hustler, I was trapped…Cats that hung together trying to find a solution found nothing.”-Malcolm X
Salute to Detroit Red, Man Campbell, Barry Sanders, All Them…
But last season and the subsequent fall out seem to signify the end of something. It was the greatest Lions season witnessed in our lifetime but before it concluded unceremoniously you could almost see the heartbreak coming.
They had the Niners beat in NFCCG the prior season. Then they blow a home opening playoff game to the former Redskins due to bad QB play and a wide-receiver gimmick play interception? “C’mon, man”©Tom Jackson
Add to those consecutive soul-sucking playoff demises the Ford Family’s football history, along with the loss of both their coordinators, while being reminded he’s Just Jared Goff?
Their Super Bowl parade got rained on by Plymouth Rocks.
Life is unfair…like Denzel’s breathtaking 1994 Malcolm X performance losing a Best Actor Oscar to Forrest Gump. Or Gump trumping Pulp Fiction for Best Picture.
GREEN BAY PACKERS
9.5
OVER
INSIDE MAN
“I got news for you. Most of the guys up in Sing Sing weren’t murderers until they killed somebody.”-Detective Keith Frasier
Jordan Love’s status as a certified killer is not yet established. But among QB’s in this division, he seems most immediately equipped. He’s somewhere between upside and finished product with at least one big playoff pelt on the wall. Last season started weird for the Packers with an inexplicable Eagle matchup in Brazil that led to Love missing a chunk of the season. He got pre-paid for his anticipated ascent the prior summer. Maybe this Fall is when that investment pays dividends like a Lambeau Leap year (seewhat🧿didthere). This is arguably the second-best threat in the NFC for yours truly. If Love stays healthy, they are a double-digit winner easily. Editor’s Note: we wrote the above before the Micah deal. So if the total is now at 10.5, we’ll take that too. 9.5 without him still under the radar felt like more of a lock tho.
CHICAGO BEARS
8.5
OVER
HE GOT GAME
“I put the ball in your crib!”-Jake Shuttlesworth
Caleb Williams was built for this.
That doesn’t mean his father was toxic like Jake Shuttlesworth or Marv Maranovich. But it does mean is that, like this movie, I’ve seen him do it, repeatedly. No need to shovel dirt prematurely.
The kid was last year’s number-one overall pick for a reason. He’s one year in with a third coach at 23. Let’s see this kid around a real offensive mind (Detroit OC Ben Johnson) and some newly fortified offensive line stability.
Fun Fact: the Jesus Shuttlesworth character portrayed by Ray Allen was first offered to Allen Iverson. AI told writer/director Spike Lee in 1997, “this is my friends and I first summer with money, so thanks, but I’m not spending it sitting around a movie set”.
Translation: right (or wrong) I love Allen Iverson.
This movie, while good, woulda been better with him.
Fun-ner Fact: Denzel was supposed to lose the one-on-one game versus his son 11-0 in the script. But without telling anyone, he said to himself “funk that”, then scored the game’s first two baskets on the stunned NBA phenom.
Translation: I also love Denzel Washington.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
8.5
UNDER
THE LITTLE THINGS
“When I see a sunrise, thunderstorm, or dew on the ground, yes, I think there’s a God. When I see all this, I think he’s long past giving a shit.”-Joe ‘Deke’ Deacon
This team overachieved last year after JJ McCarthy (a prospect we do not like a little bit) got hurt and they got a career rejuvenation out of Sam Darnold. Sure, it all fell apart shockingly fast in the final ten days of their season.
But to expect this team to be nearly as successful in one-score games (7-1) with a kid that missed his rookie year is not optimistic. It is foolish.
That is a big thing, not a little thing. As for The Little Things, like any noir co-starring Denzel Washington, even a straight-to-HBO-MAX COVID one, it’s watchable.
But bug-eyed Rami Malek is the film version of the JJ McCarthy problem. Still can’t believe Malek won a Best Actor Oscar for Live Aid lip-syncing Freddie Mercury. Academy Please.
NFC SOUTH
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
9.5
OVER
THE MIGHTY QUINN
“Because you are a lunatic who got his ass in a mess and don’t know how to get out of it.”-Xavier Quinn
Baker Mayfield is the cause, and solution to, all his own plus the Bucs’ problems. Case in point that playoff L to Washington that spared the Birds having to face them on the way to the Super Bowl last year.
The Mighty Quinn is a criminally underrated early Denzel film with a little bit of everything: a pirate sense of humor, lawlessness, live music, picturesque tropical setting on the Gulf of Mexico, devil-may-care-exuberance, systemic corruption. We could basically be talking about Florida OR Jamaica. Has Baker finally reached maturity? Did the police chief’s Bugs Bunny-like childhood best friend Maubee, portrayed by Robert Townsend, commit any crime beyond that godawful dreadlock wig? Watch to see.
But this Tampa season seems like the franchise’s best chance since Tom Brady arrived while Mayfield is at another crucial career-pivot point with this talented cast.
ATLANTA FALCONS
7.5
OVER
THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE
“This isn’t an election. This is a coup.”-Ben Marco
This division is not good. Winning eight games now that you no longer have Kirk Cousins tossing lawn darts to defenders seems like a layup. Their ‘young’ QB (Michael Pennix) feels already older than half the starters in the league. So he might as well be ready.
I expect them to be solidly forgettable like Johnathan Demme’s Manchurian Candidate.
CAROLINA PANTHERS
6.5
UNDER
ANTWONE FISHER
"Who will cry for the little boy, lost and all alone /Who will cry for the little boy, abandoned without his own"-Jerome Davenport reading Antwone Fisher a poem
The start of Little Man1️⃣Bryce Young’s NFL career couldn’t have begun rougher. Much was out of his control. Yet some seemed to confirm concerns about his physical limitations. He seemed to turn a corner after an early benching last season. The franchise rewarded him this offseason by doing…um…I’m not entirely sure. What is this team good at? Why did they trade Adam Thielen in August? Do they have any picks left? What is their coach’s name?
You tell us. At this time of typing I can’t say nor much care. We’ll take the under. Let me know what happens once we get there. And in case you were wondering about the header photo for this team. That is Young the night of the NFL Draft looking essentially NFL Live’s Mina Kimes’ size. And it’s still hilarious.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
5.5
UNDER
DÉJÀ VU
“That's what this job teaches you, isn't it? No matter what, no matter how hard you grab onto something - you still lose it, right?”-Doug Carlin
Lost amid the palace intrigue of Cleveland’s QB room was maybe the shittiest preseason starting quarterback competitions in NFL history: Spencer Rattler versus Tyler Shough.
I guess Rattler ‘won’ for the moment but the Saints’ season is going to detonate early like that ferry during Mardi Gras in the opening scene of Déjà Vu. As does ATF Special Agent Doug Carlin, I have the ability to time travel back to last season’s disaster or foresee another debacle before it happens.
Just trust me on this like Paula Patton.
NFC WEST
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
10.5
UNDER
THE BONE COLLECTOR
“Well, I might surprise you and live forever.”-Lincoln Rhyme
Hall of Fame RB Christian McCaffrey might surprise us and make it thru another football season healthy. Crock Purdy may one day resemble the elite QB the once Mr. Irrelevant is now paid to be. Talented aging raging dickhead Nick Bosa could reverse the steep decline in snaps and production he’s been on since 2023. Any one of those would be a huge longshot to me, let alone hitting on all three, to return to contention in the NFC.
This is the Denzel-stars-but-in-bed-as-a-dying-quadriplegic-most-of-the-movie version of a Kyle Shanahan Niners team.
Los Angeles Rams
9.5
UNDER
DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS
“A man once told me that you step out of your door in the morning, and you are already in trouble. The only question is are you on top of that trouble or not?”-Easy Rawlins
Love Sean McVay as a coach. Love Carl Franklin as a director. The last Rams’ season was a slow-cooked near-masterpiece akin to this movie.
It brought forth a new version of Denzel, became a coming out party for Don Cheadle, plus recharged the career of the eternally beautiful Jennifer Beals.
But this begs the point: despite the brilliance of the director, you’ve still gotta have a budget and the appropriate cast. The Rams have been battling cap issues for a few seasons now. And everything happening around Matthew Stafford, a well-worn older quarterback with among other things a chronically bad back, has been discouraging. First they were ready to trade him rather than pay him, now we can’t quite get clarity on his injury status.
As a result, we will pass on the lone team that gave the Eagles a scare last Winter building off that momentum this Fall.
ARIZONA CARDINALS
8.5
UNDER
RICOCHET
“I guess a Beretta in the butt beats a butterfly in a boot, huh?”- Nick Styles
The weirdest quote on our list, from an absolutely batshit 1990 cop movie, belongs to this team confounding critics and fans alike on an annual basis. Kyler Murray at times can look incredible but more often can look like what he is: a little guy with blazing speed, big arm, obstructable vision, questionable commitment and/or leadership.
Not a lot of love for Jonathan Gannon either, who didn’t endear himself to Eagle Fans with his Arizona Super Bowl ending into his Arizona Cardinal beginning.
Take 2024 #1 pick “Mazzaretti Marv” getting off to a Mitsubishi-at-best start and here we are.
But there is enough here, like Ricochet with big appearances from Ice-T and Jesse Ventura plus a scenery-chewing villain performance by John Lithgow, to make things exciting even if the end result doesn’t make much sense.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
8.5
OVER
THE GREAT DEBATERS
“I am here to help you to find, take back, and keep your righteous mind... because obviously you have lost it.”-Melvin B. Tolson
Did I miss something? Was Seattle not a team that’s won at least 9 games the past three seasons before this one despite a coaching change and a roster rebuild during that process?
Did they win 10 games with last year’s darling-assistant-turned-head-man Mike McDonald? Were they not looking like a dangerous squad in the playoffs if they hadn’t lost a fluky tiebreak to another tough-out, the Rams?
Haven’t they added defensive talent since then? So basically the reason people are off this team is because the Rams are supposed to be better, while going from Geno Smith to 13-game-winner-Vike starter Sam Darnold plus trading physical-freak/mediocre-stats receiver DK Metcalf means falling off a cliff?
A team with one of the best homefields in the sport lost six last year in Seattle. I promise that has no chance of happening again in 2025. Debate that greatly.
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
AFC EAST
BUFFALO BILLS
11.5
OVER
MAN ON FIRE
“Okay, my friend. It's off to the next life for you. I guarantee you, you won't be lonely.”-John W. Creasy
Death…Taxes…And the Josh Allen Bills hitting their O/U number. There are some things you just get used to counting on. I see no reason for this season to be different. Not to mention Allen, either 1 or 2 in the MVP vote for the past few seasons, while beating everyone in the playoffs besides…youknowwho…well, he’s gotta be growing tired of that outcome. And since he never misses games, outplaying most opposing QB’s with an inferior team in those games, even when he loses? I wouldn’t rule him painting his masterpiece out yet. Even if it’s hard to believe before seeing because well, ya know, BuffaLo…
Speaking of masterpieces, Man On Fire, sparked a whole new path for Denzel towards late-career Eastwood action yet still allowed him to play a fully realized character with dimensions. Great work by the supporting cast, especially Young Dakota Fanning as his security detail assignment and Christopher Walken as an old friend who knows him best.
MIAMI DOLPHINS
7.5
UNDER
OUT OF TIME
“Try the crab, it’s real good.”
“Nah, I’m allergic.”
“I know.”-Matt Lee Whitlock
Things are getting sweaty in Miami already.
So the title of this steamy noir in the Keys fits the Dolphins in multiplicity:
-Tua’s head trauma is the NFL’s biggest ticking timebomb.
-Tyreek Hill’s slight decline in speed and habitual jackassery is a deadly combination that had him quit on the team at the end of last season publicly.
-Mike McDaniel’s roster jettisoned talent for the sake of repairing his locker room’s lack of respect for him.
-This cornerback group is a distant 32nd.
The only question is who the first killer (in this flick or of this season) ends up being.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
8.5
UNDER
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
“You are come to meet your trouble: the fashion of the world is to avoid cost, and you encounter it.”-Don Pedro
I don’t know who needs to hear this but the New England Patriots aren’t good anymore. They never really were good before 2001 either. It’s not 2004 anymore. Or 2015. Tom Brady, to quote another famous man who fell under the weight of Boston Fan expectations, is not walking thru that door. Aside from calling games badly or getting a statue.
This team was acknowledged as being one of the league’s worst last season. But now, because they unwisely won their last meaningless game to drop in a top-heavy draft, have a reckless quarterback that takes big hits in his first full year as starter, overpaid Milton Williams and brought back their old Belichick LB Mike Vrabel to coach they’re a playoff team?
Methinks not. This division gets one team in.
NEW YORK JETS
5.5
OVER
FLIGHT
“Woah! Nothing like a little thirty knot crosswind to exercise that ol' sphincter muscle.”-Whip Whitaker
The New York Jets are owned by Woody Johnson and start already-a-journeyman-Buckeye Justin Fields at quarterback. A 747 being flown by a drunk and high Denzel Washington would have a better chance of reaching its destination. And I don’t mean Whip Whitaker from this classic movie. I mean real-life Denzel Washington while intoxicated and having never taken a flying lesson. The Jets are fairly doomed until Woody passes or sells. Even after that, they have lots of bad juju to overcome. But the simple fact that they jettisoned Rodgers, while now have a coach in Aaron Glenn who played for them and wants to be there, means they can get to six wins in a season when nobody is paying much attention.
AFC NORTH
BALTIMORE RAVENS
11.5
OVER
AMERICAN GANGSTER
“The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room.”-Frank Lucas
The Ravens are the odds-on favorite to win the Super Bowl.
WHY?!?!?
Has this era of the team won a big game in their lives?!?!
American Gangster shoulda been a classic. A Denzel Washington New York City gangster flick biopic with an accompanying strong Jay-Z soundtrack?!? Toss in Russell Crowe with Gladiator director Ridley Scott.
It was can’t miss. We were thinking prime DeNiro and Pacino level potential.
It turned out just pretty good. Why were we in that courtroom custody hearing about cop Crowe’s kids? Why are we then at a Lucas family barbecue down South with Common playing TI’s daddy telling Uncle Denzel about his son’s MLB pitcher prospects in a terrible Southern accent? Was that RZA? Why is the action outside of Denzel shooting someone on the sidewalk not making our jaws drop yet the three hour run time is doing that to our eyelids? Why did Hov bother making an album for this if they weren’t going to use the music?
I digress. Back to this Ravens-as-favorite mess. Sure, they are usually a safe over regular season bet. But on principle for their undeserved Vegas status, with MVP Lamar still never have played a good full playoff game in his career, I’m gonna take a spite under right here. Show don’t tell.
CINCINNATI BENGALS
9.5
OVER
MO’ BETTER BLUES
“I may have been born yesterday, but I stayed up all night.“-Bleek Gilliam
One of my favorite Denzel movies ever goes to one of my favorite NFL players. Joe “Keep It Thoro” Burrow is still a relatively young quarterback in this league, having played only five professional seasons. But he has already been thru more things than most careers could fathom: collegiate transfer, Heisman trophy winning national champion, two ACL surgeries, Comeback Player of the Year (TWICE), Super Bowl appearance, home-invasion victim, Batmobile-purchaser and statistical record-breaker on a playoff-missing team.
This year, at least for a franchise commonly known as the Bungles pre-Burrow, things seem to be settling into a rhythm. Burrow flexed his muscle inside the league’s cheapest organization and got his super-friends paid (Ja’Marr Chase, Tee Higgins, Trey Hendrickson). The defense simply has to find a way not to be historically awful again, while Coach Zach Taylor can’t make any more bonehead decisions that cost his team games and this squad should be able to enjoy a double-digit win season.
PITTSBURGH STEELERS
8.5
OVER
CRIMSON TIDE
“If I'm wrong, then we're at war; God help us all.”-Lt. Hunter
Can The Artist Formerly Known As GODgers now FRAUDgers be the first QB in history to resurrect* his career at 42?
The only QB to start 10 games at 42 is Tom Brady who had never sank to these depths, relied on mobility, lost as many big games, endured a more catastrophic injury, nor left as much disgruntled shrapnel in his wake.
Mike Tomlin has never had a losing season in his 18 years. He is the greatest floor-raiser in the NFL. But he also hasn’t won a playoff game in the last nine. While it’s been far longer since the Steelers contending was real.
Part of the reason is having one of the worst QB situations in the league for about the last six seasons. FRAUDgers can’t play worse than last year’s slop if he can hold up.
But none of those guys had the clout or arrogance to attempt a mutiny either. Both need each other. We’ve seen Tomlin manage to corral talented, awful people in the past (Bum Rapistburglar, Le’Veon Bell, the shitshow that is post-Pittsburgh Antonio “Bad News” Brown).
Time will tell whether Aaron Rodgers can contain his inner d-bag for long enough to get back to prioritizing football over ayahuasca, YouTube rabbit holes, darkness retreats and guest spots on conspiracy theory podcasts.
As an aside regarding Crimson Tide, a salute and peaceful journey to the great Gene Hackman. Thirty years later his battle with Denzel trapped inside a submarine remains an incredible ride.
CLEVELAND BROWNS
4.5
UNDER
FALLEN
“Sometimes, I think the basic job that human beings have is just to figure out what the hell is going on.”-John Hobbes
Nobody has figured out what the hell is going on, at least not for long, with the Cleveland Browns dating back to even before Art Modell abandoned the town for Baltimore in 1995.
With a Triple-Headed Monster QB room of 40-Year-Old Joe Flacco alongside dueling rookies Dillon Gabriel & Shadeur Sanders, plus Deshaun Watson’s creepy-ass on IR crushing their cap, that doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon.
AFC SOUTH
HOUSTON TEXANS
9.5
OVER
SAFE HOUSE
“That house was a secure location. Whoever crashed it didn't stop by a gas station and ask for directions to the nearest safe house. They were invited.”-Tobin Frost
The Texans with rookie TJ Stroud came out of nowhere to go from 3 wins to 10 with a playoff victory in 2023. Suddenly that made them a trendy Super Bowl 2024 pick. They won another 10 games with a playoff victory.
Denzel’s co-star in Safe House, Ryan Reynolds, went from Van Wilder to the lead in Green Lantern. Fortunately for us but not for him, the public wasn’t quite ready for a steady diet of Marvel comic-book movies. You don’t always get to ride your first wave all the way in. But if you stay out in the water long enough, you might get some good surfing in, even in Galveston. I’ve now stretched all potential analogies paper-thin. Translation: The Year 3 CJ Texans still should feel Safe to win another ten in this wonky division.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
7.5
UNDER
THE HURRICANE
“This is no place, not for a human being or anybody. Never get used to a place like this.”-Rubin ‘Hurricane’ Carter
That quote could almost be talking about the Spinal-Tap-drummer-like instability of the Colts starting QB ever since Andrew Luck peaced-out before a preseason game, wishing his franchise lots of luck. They’ve had little of it since. A lot of that is their own doing. Mostly because they seem to keep rotating in and out starting quarterback quick-fixes at a more rapid pace than they do head coaches.
They are now on their second Eagles assistant hired off a Super Bowl appearance squad, first Frank Reich and now Shane Steichen. They are on their mind-boggling SEVENTH starting quarterback to begin a season in seven years. They are as follows (since 2019): Jacoby Brissett, Phillip Rivers, Carson Wentz, Matt Ryan, Gardner Minshew, Anthony Richardson, Daniel Jones.
Hard way to win. And I really don’t know what is wrong with Richardson because they are about to misplay a physically gifted freak who clearly needed reps coming in by having a quick hook yet not trading if they have given up on him. GM Chris Ballard has made some good moves in spots but this gross mismanagement at the most important position will likely cost him his job if not also Steichen. Tho to be honest in the wake of Jim Irsay’s recent death, I’m not even sure who is left to make those decisions.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
7.5
OVER
MISSISSIPPI MASALA
“Kind of wishing you were here with me.”
“I was thinking the same.”-Demetrius to Mina
The past two coaches paired up with once-thought-can’t-miss-prospect Trevor Lawrence felt like arranged marriages. The first with Urban Meyer was over before it started thru no fault of Lawrence’s. The second with Eagles Super Bowl champ Doug Pederson had a spark when it started but our boy Dougie seemed to check out a couple years ago.
This new match, probably Lawrence’s last in Jacksonville if it doesn’t go well, features Liam Coen. It looks odd on paper, sorta like the way he said “Duuuvaaal” in his opening presser sounded weird. But dig deeper and you will see a team that has a healthy Lawrence, a bevy of young weapons, plus a Head Coach who got the job for his ability to pull passers whose career had gone sideways from the wreckage. Don’t believe me, just ask Baker Mayfield.
But do trust us that another Southern-fried pairing no one saw coming, 1991’s cross-continental rom-com clash set in the Deep South, is a hidden gem even among Denzel fans. Re-watched it for the first time since its initial VHS run and was blown away at how well it holds up. It’s actually far better than its fairly glowing reviews said then in hindsight. They do not make movies like this.
Short story long, we’re giving Jacksonville a legitimate chance to compete in this division.
TENNESSEE TITANS
5.5
UNDER
REMEMBER THE TITANS
“It's all right. We're in a fight. Win or lose... We gonna walk out of this stadium tonight with our heads held high. Do your best. That's all anybody can ask for.”-Coach Boone
A quarter century past this film’s release, we Remember the Titans. But this is real life…not a Disney sports movie loosely based on real life. We will not remember these Titans.
Best of luck to #1 overall pick Cameron “Don’t Call Me Cam Anymore” Ward. You’re gonna need heaps of it as a rookie signal-caller forced every Sunday to go out on your sword.
AFC WEST
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
11.5
OVER
THE EQUALIZER(S) 1 THRU 3
“What you do, what you become, is not my concern. The world is full of so-called "men" like you, and, in a perfect world, everything we do comes with a price, but this ain't a perfect world. People do bad things. If you're lucky, you get a chance to set it right, but most of the time it goes unpunished. This ain't one of them times. The mistake you made was you killed my friend. So, I'm gonna kill each and every one of you, and the only disappointment in it for me is that I only get to do it once.”-Robert McCall
The Kansas City Chiefs are the NFL’s sturdiest, most dependable franchise. That being said, last season, a 15-win regular season ending in a Super Bowl blowout loss while going for a three-peat, never quite looked right.
It’s damn near impossible to win three Super Bowls in a row. And yes, last year’s Patrick Mahomes did not look like the 50-TD could-one-day-go-down-as-the-GOAT-QB. Andy is now the oldest coach in the league. While no one is closer among this corps to having their foot out the door than Kelce.
But you go into an Equalizer movie, Denzel’s only sequel (he’s not in the first Gladiator or Salt) being fairly sure Robert McCall is going to avenge bad deeds, while against overwhelming odds, not be killed. We feel the same way about the Kansas City Chiefs finding a way to win 12 games. In fact, last year being a “disappointment” with 15 wins plus a Super Bowl appearance, with the best QB in football heading into this campaign with something to prove?
That sounds like a blessing in disguise from our lens.
We’re also all in any time Denzel gets to deliver a monologue like the one above.
DENVER BRONCOS
9.5
OVER
THE PELICAN BRIEF
“Do you wanna talk about the brief?”-Gary Grantham
This offseason the Denver Broncos became a sexy pick by the sharps for new Super Bowl contender. While some predict second-year-quarterback Bo Nicks makes the leap to elite starter. That sounds exciting for Bronco fans seeking a savior under center since the warranty ran out on the Neck-Fusion-Bobblehead edition of Peyton Manning 10 years ago.
We remember Fall ‘93 when the film adaption of a John Grisham best-seller pairing Denzel Washington off Philadelphia with Julia Roberts at her fame apex. It was the sexy pick for a holiday box office juggernaut that carried its momentum thru awards season.
Instead we got a respectable, slow-paced, legal thriller-without-real-thrills, that despite being almost 2 ½ hours long, left its superstar sex-scene on the cutting-room floor.
Translation: manage those lofty expectations.
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS
9.5
UNDER
2 GUNS
“I'm very sorry about my friend. He was kicked in the head as a child.”-Bobby Beans
Jim Harbaugh is a little crazy. He also happens to be one of the most run-happy former quarterbacks-turned-coach the NFL has seen. Is that a good marriage for a roster completely reliant on the supposed brilliance of Justin Herbert at QB?
Eh…maybe?!? This is not a great team. Nor is 2 Guns a great movie. But the uneasy alliance of its two stars still will make it the kind of shoot-em-up you will get around to watching and even enjoying to varying degrees.
LAS VEGAS RAIDERS
6.5
OVER
THE SIEGE
“London. Paris. Athens. Rome. Belfast. Beruit. We're not the first city to have to deal with terrorism.”-Anthony “Hub” Hubbard
It feels somewhat ironic for Pete Carroll to be the Raiders coach in their fifth-iteration/new-location. Carroll rose to prominence in one of the Raiders old homes, Los Angeles Coliseum. That’s also where the Raiders last won in ‘83.
Pete Carroll was a 32-year-old defensive coordinator at Pacific then. He has lived the NCAA and NFL equivalent of a thousand lifetimes since then. But 73-year-old Sunshine Pete still seems youthfully energized in a way Bill Belichick clearly doesn’t. Carroll brought his last QB (Geno Smith) with him and got hired in Vegas by Belichick’s former QB, Tom Brady.
The Siege wasn’t a complete success but it does have Denzel reuniting with Glory (his first Oscar win) and Courage Under Fire director Ed Zwick while enjoying an uneasy alliance with Annette Benning and battling a heel-turn general Bruce Willis. In other words, it’s worth the watch. These Raiders should stay just spunky enough with stars and subplots to say the same.
