Wudder Sports 2023 NFL Pee Wee's Big Over/Under Season Preview Adventure
Happy Fall, Wudder World!
After seven long months culminating in a summer when America felt hotter than it’s ever been and included the loss of Paul Reubens, what better way to celebrate and mark the NFL’s return this weekend than by combining two of our favorite things: sports predictions and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.
No need for delay, we’ve done our homework on both, so here’s the results.
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles
O/U: 11.5 wins
Nostrabombus: OVER!
“Doesn't it look like I'm ready? I am ALWAYS ready! I have BEEN ready since first call! I AM READY! Roll!”
I will never be over the way this team lost a Super Bowl they led by ten points at the half for a list of self-induced reasons that still make my head spin.
Obviously plenty of credit goes to HOF Foes Andy Reid, Travis Kelce, and Patrick Mahomes.
This Eagle team is more experienced and talented. In a worse conference. Talking heads and rival fans cite losing seven ‘starters’ from the soft middle (besides CJ) of a defense that never stopped KC in the second half, or coordinators nobody cared about before last year, while we got compensation for Jonathan Gannon who made no adjustments to his defense making no stops, even getting beat on the same motion play for an uncovered pair of TDs inside the ten. I am ALWAYS ready. I have BEEN ready. Super Bowl Hangover? NO. Super Bowl Red Dead Redemption. RRROOLLL…
Dallas Cowboys
O/U: 9.5
Nostrabombus: Over.
“A long time we wait. We’ve been here over three hours.”-Chuck, owner of Bike-o-Rama
Jerry’s been waiting a long time to return to the promised land since destroying the foundation from within he hired Jimmy to build in ’89.
The Cowboys have gone nearly three decades without getting out the second round, an ignominious drought topped only by the Detroit Lions and Washington BunchOfNames. Still Cowboys fans across the country tune in weekly for a three hour tour, without realizing they’re stuck in re-runs, and likely never getting off this island.
But maybe Skeletor hires Deion next offseason and pays a Herschel Walker ransom for Caleb Williams.
New York Giants
O/U: 7.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“Come on, Dottie. Let's go.”
Let's go?! Don't you wanna see the rest of the movie?
I don't have to see it, Dottie. I lived it.”
The Giants have won a lone playoff game and registered one season with ten or more wins over the past 11 seasons. Daniel Jones is the young poor man’s aesthetic/athletic amalgamation of Tony Romo and Eli Manning. Their sole playoff win since Obama’s first term was a Wild Card round upset of the cratering Vikings, before going to Philly and proceeding to be absolutely bludgeoned in a game that was 28-0 before you could blink.
Big Blue overachieved in 2022 under first-year-coach Brian Dabol. Brought the gang back in the form of a new deal for Jones and some scaps for Saquan. It wasn’t hard to ride a healthier roster to 9-7-1 without expectations or Joe Judge’s tone-deaf-typical-Belasterisk-fruit-of-a-poisoned-tree incompetence. But it’s back to a boring regression to the Mara Fam mean with this forgettable team.
Washington Commodores
O/U: 6.5
Nostrabombus: OVER!
“I wouldn’t sell my bike for all the money in the world”
Dan Snyder, telemarketing tyrant and the most reprehensible sports owner since my old landlord Donald Sterling was banned from the NBA, finally got squeezed out of the team he grew up rooting for in footy pajamas while growing up in Silver Spring, Maryland. Snyder purchased the team in 1999, then immediately began destroying what he loved, rendering it nearly unrecognizable, while squandering all trust or goodwill. His last-ditch nuclear attempts at blackmail of fellow owners after 24 years of embarrassment finally made him too poisonous to tolerate further, even among a group of amoral billionaire crook colleagues with more skeletons than Cobra-Kai on Halloween.
I say all that to say this…in 2022 under the uncertainty of prolonged executive exodus and a second name change in three years, they still won eight games. Won the division in 2020. They return a solid defense. They frustratingly split with Philly annually, including a win in the Linc last season, regardless of gap in roster or organizational quality. So why are they given a number that’s two games below any total they’ve managed annually this decade now that Snyder’s smoke has cleared?
Not even Hedge-Fund-Hack, Devils + Sixers + now Commodores absentee owner Josh Harris, can mess up a reclamation project already this gutted in mere months. With the early positive vibes of a clean-slate and new-young-hope-QB Sam Howell getting chance to lead, I would not be shocked if this team finishes second, or at least third, in the NFC East.
NFC North
Detroit Lions
O/U: 9.5
Nostrabombus: OVER.
The Detroit Lions under Man Campbell have taken a page from assistant Duce Staley along with other hungry dogs who are tired of late-season pushes after digging a hole early, then furiously becoming one of the league’s most reliable cover teams after the annual Detroit Thanksgiving Game tradition.
I don’t like anyone in this division. “Lions and Packers and Vikes…Oh,Why?!?” I hated Detroit’s last two drafts but even those roster-building miscues will at least be of short-term use. This D still doesn’t look ready to stop a nosebleed. Historically, even taking both sides of the Cleveland Browns into account, this has been the most moribund franchise in the league since the Korean War was in full roar. But the way they’ve got a shot to shake up the world on Opening Night, visiting a Chiefs team without Travis Kelce or Frank Clark that just got done popping champagne bottles, bodes well in a Colorado @ TCU kinda way.
Campbell lost his offseason fight to bring a real live lion on the field as pride of their prowling sideline. His pressers feel like wrestling promos. Dude is out of his mind. That brand of insanity can work in this wild, parity-driven, bloodsport-league sometimes, especially with owner support and player buy-in.
Minnesota Vikings
O/U: 8.5
Nostrabombus: Over.
“It’s like you’re unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone just keeps knitting…and knitting…and knitting…and knitting…”
This team had the most fraudulent shiny record in the league last season, mostly due to a season of luck in one score games (11-4) in 2022 unlikely to sustain. Kirk Cousins is back to doing his pretty-numbers, big-bucks, fold-and-tuck act again.
But a 13-win team last season can still win 9 this go-round in a winnable division, can’t they?
Green Bay Packers
O/U: 7.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“Tell Me Why I’m Here First”-Pee Wee to Madam Ruby
Look, I don’t know if Jordan Love can play. Neither do you. So when I heard Bill Simmons picking this team to win the NFC confidently, likely because it matches his Patriots-being-good agenda vs. GB’s famous QB exited for the bright lights of NYC this offseason, fading both became my mission.
The Pack could win 8 or 9 like anybody else in the North could as a best case. But this team as dark-horse favorites to win the conference because a popular authority who didn’t watch him or anyone else play in college, while no one has seen him do anything of note at this level?
Man, Please.
Cut That Cheese.
Chicago Bears
O/U: 7.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“There are thousands and thousands of uses for corn, all of which I will tell you about right now.”-Jan Hooks as Alamo Tour Guide
The next legit franchise QB the Chicago Bears land, or the next decent OSU QB in the league, will be the very first of each. Still the hope-springs-eternal fashion of a passionate fanbase who doesn’t know what quality quarterback play looks like bravely tried to buy the hype on Rex Grossman and Mitch Trubisky. Now Bears beat reporters are projecting for Justin Fields Year 3 Jalen Hurts leap, without acknowledging how unlikely that was to begin with as a second-round, not number-two-overall, pick.
Let’s see if he can show the ability to throw as a pro before being sold this next best hope in Chicago.
NFC South
Saints
O/U: 9.5
Nostrabombus: Under
“Merci-blah-bleh!”
The team with the Fleur De Lis returns presumably healthy while adding a pedigreed veteran QB. They face the easiest schedule in the league. They are favorites in Vegas to markedly improve from last year’s 7-10 campaign while returning to the playoffs for the first time since 2020.
But isn’t their coach still Dennis Allen (15-38 career)?
Didn’t they surrender their 2023 high first round pick from sucking last year to the Eagles?
Aren’t they still digging out of salary-cap hell dating back to Sean Payton’s tenure?
Does the oldest team in the league suffer bad injury luck or is their lack of durability a byproduct of a sport that hurts more the longer you play it?
Who Dat Say They Gonna Bet Dem Saints?
Merci, Merci, Not Me.
Atlanta Falcons
O/U: 8.5
Nostrabombus: Over.
“C’mon, It’s Okay.”-Pee Wee, releasing the birds from their cages during the pet store fire, then flapping his arms to get them to fly away.
The Falcons are the first and only other team in NFL history, besides our aforementioned avian-themed team to blow a double-digit Super Bowl lead after halftime. Of course, the Falcolns were up in 2017 by a seemingly insurmountable 28-3.
Ever since, it’s been tragedy. It’s high time they get to move on, finally, with a new young corps not saddled by SB PTSD to set them free. I don’t really know if I like their young QB Desmond Ritter. But I won’t outright dismiss him yet. While the recent Three’s Company of top first-round talent surrounding Ritter (Tight End Kyle Pitts, Trojan WR Wunderkind Drake London, Beastly Running Back Bijan Robinson) should relieve enough pressure in a weak division for these Nü Dirty Birds to compete if they had Jack Tripper under center.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
O/U: 6.5
Nostrabombus: Over.
“ARRR!!!”
I vacillated on this for a minute. And yeah I cheated with this pick that wasn’t from the flick but I hear Pee Wee doing his pirate imitation somewhere in it just couldn’t find the evidence. Either way, winning seven games doesn’t feel out of reach for this team if the Saints disappoint plus the Panthers are as bad as I think they’re gonna be. Baker Mayfield is not good exactly but he’s also not awful if surrounded by a solid cast. However the beginning of the schedule for this squad feels a little like walking the plank. So the playoff ship probably sank already but them scavenging a seventh win does not feel insurmountable by the end.
Carolina Panthers
O/U: 7.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“Life can be so unfair”
Congrats on being the top pick in the draft, Bryce!
Now from Day One, enjoy running for your life.
This team is picked in Vegas to be about .500.
Why?!?
That seems more like the percentage chances that this poor undersized kid won’t die trying to lift this team out of a wreckage pile. I wish him luck tho.
NFC WEST
San Francisco 49ers
O/U: 10.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“I say we let him go”-Pee Wee as a Satan’s Helper or Kyle Lynch-burg turning down their last chance to squeeze a drop of Lance Lemonade from a Lemon Draft Day trade before their first game.
Who gets more passes for indefensible transactions than this team?
Who gets more credit for winning big before actually doing so than Kyle Shanahan?
What was the point of jettisoning a guy you had still under his rookie contract after spending three firsts on, before playing his second full game? This after you’d already cut bait on Jimmy G, which you tried to do before camp last year that nearly came back to haunt you when Lance injured his knee, if not for a rookie surprise by Mr. Irrelevant Brock Purdy against weak competition at the end of the season?
Purdy hardly dazzled in a 17-16 playoff win aka “Another ACK! Prescott Playoff Chokejob” in Dallas, before getting his arm snapped back in Philly early into a NFCCG playoff bludgeoning.
Let me remind Niners fans and any national media Shanahan fetishists of a few things: 1) you were not going to sniff winning that game even with Jimmy G or Purdy, 2) this organization has rarely been good twice in a row even with less questions at QB than they have currently, 3) no one on this team has big leap upside, it’s a collection of IR-familiar-if-he-stays-healthy-All-Stars (Kittle, McCaffrey, Deebo, Bosa) 4) Kyle Shanahan was the architect of blowing the biggest lead in the history of the Super Bowl while still searching for his next Matt Ryan seven years into his Niners run with a W/L record that just last year squeaked percentage points past Ron Rivera, who no one believes in even a little bit.
This team is picked as a favorite to win the Super Bowl, by many, with none seeming to acknowledge any of this. Things might even get worse if by some series of unfortunate events Lance assists in Dallas.
Seattle Seahawks
O/U: 8.5
Nostrabombus: OVER.
“I meant to do that”
Did Sneaky Pete know USC was about to get raided by the feds before he fled for the NFL in 2010?
Did Sunshine Pete have intel that he could survive Russell Wilson’s coup attempt during a rainy offseason between 2020 and 2021?
Guy Smiley, for his age looking impossibly young while pacing and fervently gnashing that gum, always seems to have plausible deniability.
And so far during this millennium, in the long run, things are ultimately coming up Petey.
Last year’s Wilson trade was like he and Geno Smith dunking each other in the Cocoon pool.
Pete Carroll didn’t get to be one of three coaches in football Hall of Fames playing two different games by being an old fool, he knows how to play it cool.
Los Angeles Rams
O/U: 6.5
Nostrabombus: OVER.
“Is this something you care to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?!?”
After a lost season, why did Stan Kroenke keep this thing together in LA? Why do we see a return of Aaron Donald, Cooper Kupp, or Matthew Stafford, let alone Oldboy Genius Sean McVay? Three of them have been talking retirement since before last season after their Super Bowl win. What’s left for any of the major principles involved to collectively do or say? Don’t tell me it’s to win six games.
Some things can’t be explained, but feel free to speak up with a theory for me if you disagree.
Arizona Cardinals
O/U: 4.5
Nostrabombus: Under
“Hot? Who’s Hot?!? Feels Just Fine To Me, I Feel Just Perfect.”
I’ve been wanting to fire Birds-DC-turned-Cards-HC Jonathan Gannon directly into the sun for the past seven months. Since then, it feels like that sun has instead fallen directly on him. Either way, when it comes to he and this team’s prospects for the season or beyond, it’s dark and hell is hot.
Let’s see if he falls for that fire motion play again.
Eff Him.
AFC East
Buffalo Bills
O/U: 10.5
Nostrabombus: Over.
“Why? What’s the significance? I don’t know!”
Look man, don’t overthink this. Don’t worry about how last season ended. Last season also saw them looking dominant before Josh Allen’s lingering elbow injury began and teammate Damar Hamlin’s life on national television seemingly ended. There is no way to prepare for shit like that and maybe no way to overcome it. When it comes to going over on projected regular season wins, the Bills with Allen as their full-time starter have covered the last four of them. They’ll manage to do that again, especially with this year’s bar requiring them to only win 11, a mark they’ve hit three straight times.
New York Jets
O/U: 9.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“There was this sound, like a garbage truck, dropped off the Empire State Building”-Large Marge
Can Aaron Rodgers please stop talking? It’s not helping. The Jets have won four playoff games this millennium. All by Mark Sanchez before age 24.
The Jets have lots of bad juju to overcome. As does dude who reached one Super Bowl thirteen years ago. And pardon my French, but all his yammering like a smart-dumb asshole with a smirk lacking humility to see he’s following the footsteps of the last Packer-Legend-turned-Jet. I think his first name was Brett. Luckily the State of California probably won’t let Rodgers defraud welfare money like the governor of Mississippi did for The Funslinger. But the world does get dumber and greedier by the day, so I can only say probably. In the meantime, the New York Jets, last winners in the sixties in Super Bowl III on a Broadway Joe guarantee, along with their coach we don’t fully trust, attempt to deliver on high-profile hype with a QB that’s 38. Too soon may soon become too late.
Miami Dolphins
O/U: 9.5
Nostrabomus: Over.
“DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE TODAY”
This is a warning the Fins concussion protocol veteran QB Tua understands.
But he shook off drastic thoughts, took time off, now is gonna try again.
We hope things go well for him…and by that we mean make it thru this season without another dramatic injury to the brain.
If that happens, this team is a juggernaut offense and easily wins ten.
I’d rather root for a story that heartwarming then Aaron Rodgers looking into the camera and saying that he’s going to enjoy Ayhuasca at Disney World.
New England Patriots
O/U: 7.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
"Because. I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em."
Bill Belasterisk has produced the worst head coaching tree in NFL history, easily. And he’s often brought them back once they fail outside his nest, only to see them put that stink back on him…never has that been more evident than what he did last year with his offensive coordinator platoon, run by two of his most irredeemable goons, former DC Pencil Ear Beard and Special Teams Coach Judge Joe Clown. Thankfully for the Pats, neither is back.
Bill O’Brien is. That should help a bit. But not as much as you think. As Texans and Penn State head coach he is Bill Belasterisk’s greatest coaching tree success story. But that is a relatively minor accomplishment, not a signal of a return to glory O’Brien never had running an offense. Maybe he should bring back Tom Brady to win once Wac Jones shows he is who we think he is again.
Moving forward the hoodie is an aging floating-under-.500 Head Coach who the Massage Parlor Trick Owner has to wait before canning, because everyone wants to make nice while he crawls to the finish line for the record in all-time NFL wins.
And why are they bringing Tommy Boy back to Foxborough for a halftime ceremony on an afternoon they awkwardly lose this season’s home opener to the Eagles? I don’t know, man.
But for that one, Bob Kraft might as well have his buddy Meek Mill sitting up in the box with him.
AFC North
Cincinnati Bengals
O/U: 11.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“Exhibit B: Another photograph. What's missing from this picture? It's just me... WITHOUT MY BIKE!”
The Bengals go as Joe Burrow goes. He is their red bike whose absence results in a season gone up in exhaust smoke. Love him as a player and a persona, but that’s a lot to stake a shaky organization like the Bengals on considering how tough this division and conference will be. Burrow already got nicked with an ankle injury early into training camp. Pearls were clutched while Bengals officials treated the video as state secret. I just can’t quite get there with this team when I see others that I feel better about.
Baltimore Ravens
O/U: 10.5
Nostrabombus: OVER.
“Everyone I know has a big but. Let’s talk about your big but.”
Lamar Jackson has been hurt twice in the past two relatively disappointing seasons since being NFL MVP in his second year starting. The drama surrounding his contract, which other franchises gave seemingly less begrudgingly to their star QB’s, was nagging for most of that time. It crescendo-ed with a playoff loss to Cinci that swung on the backup QB Tyler Huntley taking to the sky too early to stretch the ball across the goal line, resulting in a fumble going the other way for a 97-yard-TD.
Lamar is back healthy. He got paid. The Ravens got him some Superfriends like Odell Beckham. John Harbaugh and Jackson have won at a much higher percentage than anyone not named Mahomes and Reid over the regular season since their partnership started. This year is put up or shut-up officially. No if’s, ands, big buts, or maybes. I expect big things.
Cleveland Browns
O/U: 9.5
Nostrabombus: Over.
“It was a simple mistake and I’m really sorry”
For legal reasons, I suppose, we never even got this insincere apology or level of accountably from DeShawn Watson for being so creepy it defies all credulity that he isn’t in some part guilty with a masseuse complaint list longer than thirty.
Spare us the bullshit, this dude is a weirdo and by scientific definition, just plain nasty. But this is the NFL. If you can play, you play. Especially as a quarterback for a team that’s never had anyone with this guy’s pedigree. A team desperate enough to give up the biggest guarantee in NFL history plus future draft capital for the right to have a guy sure to be suspended who sat out the entire prior year.
When he came back at the end of last season, he looked terrible. This league isn’t one that rewards that level of rust. This year will determine whether the boom of this risky trade can officially be ruled a bust. It’s the Cleveland Browns, a team who last won around the time of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, while Jim Brown shortly thereafter exited for more lucrative and less painful pastures in Hollywood.
LeGOAT got Cleveland, via the Cavaliers historic comeback on a historic team with a 3-1 lead, their only title ever since in 2016. The same summer we passed thru Cleveland in the wake of the parade and for longtime readers started this very page.
Brown passed earlier this year. Will this franchise make a run at its first Super Bowl ever in ‘23? Seems unlikely. Or at least too risky a bet for me.
Pittsburgh Steelers
O/U: 8.5
Nostrabombus: Over.
“I don’t need to watch it…I lived it”
I don’t think the Steelers are good. I don’t believe in Kenny Pickett either. There will undoubtedly be some ugly games, win or lose, in their immediate future. But you know what I’m not gonna do? Pick Mike Tomlin to have his first losing season ever, when he’s avoided doing so over his first seventeen years. I’ll take his team sneaking over the bar with a solid-looking draft plus key players (including TJ Watt) returning. Pickett Season Two can’t possibly be a worse QB scenario than in his rookie season or Ben Rapistburgler’s last two of them.
AFC South
Jacksonville Jaguars
O/U: 9.5
Nostrabombus: OVER
“Did anybody tell you that this is the private club of the Satan's Helpers?”
Doug Pederson and Trevor Lawrence are together down in Duval County Florida looking like they might be an Uncle/Nephew duo riding into Daytona Beach during Bike Week.
They’ve both experienced the high of winning massively, then seen how quickly it can erode and how low things can go. For Dougie P it’s that last doomed year in Philly and for Trevor it was having to play for Urban Myer as a rookie.
As a new pair last season they really gelled towards the end. I expect that to continue.
Especially considering this division is doo-doo.
Tennessee Titans
O/U: 7.5
Nostrabombus: OVER.
“Well I got mad and I took a knife and I…well, you know those ‘do not remove under penalty of law’ tags they put on mattresses…well I *cut one of em off*!”
“I always thought that was the dumbest law.”
“You said a mouthful.”
The head coach who infamously said he’d cut off his penis for a Super Bowl W doesn’t have the roster to put him at risk. None of their best players are spring chickens. But they might make a run at a low Wild Card or division win without Mike Vrabel sitting down to pee. Let’s just keep things moving, shall we?
Indianapolis Colts
O/U: 6.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“How was school, Billy?”
Anthony Richardson, from a size/skillset/athleticism upside perspective, is my favorite among the rookie QB’s. But as the Day One starter for a team that has had a different man under center at the start of every season since Andrew Luck shocked them by retiring early, he is about to start learning the hard way almost instantly. This might prove to be for the best in the long run, but it will definitely not be immediately.
Houston Texans
O/U: 6.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“In the Alamo…In The Basement”
This franchise has just been relentlessly depressing. Maybe that changes eventually. But not this year, not right now, while putting last year’s worst roster in the league in the hands of a group of rookies including an Ohio State QB. Bottom five team in the league for this Texas team again, Take Three.
AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs
O/U: 11.5
Nostrabombus: OVER.
“I know you are but what am I?”
You’re the best coach in football. I know you are but what am I? You’re the league’s best player. I know you are but what am I? You’re the best tight end in the NFL. I know you are but what am I? You’re one of the biggest reasons we go to the Final Four every season since this union began. I know you are but what am I? You’re going over the season number on Vegas wins again. I know you are but what am I (infinity)?
Denver Broncos
O/U: 8.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“That’ll cost you extra….see you later, sucker”
The Denver Brocos have greatly overpaid for their biggest addition two offseasons in a row. Last year it was the quarterback. That “Bronco Nation, Let’s Ride” campaign fell disastrously flat. This year it’s the head coach, Sean Payton, who overcharged Wal-Mart worse than anybody since Tracy Morgan’s injury lawyer for the right to replace last season’s one-and-done disaster, Paul Hackett. Denver hired Hackett as a means to get Rodgers. They got Russell Wilson instead. He is still here mostly because it’s financially unfeasible for him not to be. The new coach doesn’t seem all that married to him. All sides feel ill-mixed and over-compensating. You can pick this tandem to work in 2023, but until further notice like Johnny Gill in ’91, I’m still waiting. At least Denver got to enjoy the Nuggets parade-ing.
San Dieg-, er, Lost AngeLess Chargers
O/U: 9.5
Nostrabombus: Over.
“Scream your head off. We’re miles away from where anyone can hear you.”
Justin Herbert is a very good young quarterback, playing in a city that does not care about his team at all, for a head coach who isn’t as smart as he thinks he is, and an ownership group whose vision can be generously described as “short-sighted”.
But he’s gotta win 10 games even while playing 17 road games. There’s just no other way, otherwise even his biggest boosters in the national sports media will be running out of excuses soon.
Las Vegas Raiders
O/U: 6.5
Nostrabombus: Under.
“Why don’t you take a picture, it’ll last longer”
Josh McDaniels continues to prove he’s not a head coach material, while now after upsetting the Apple cart at his second AFC West stop. McD is another crab-apple from Hoodie’s toxic tree. All I can say about a desert reunion of him and old skirt-chasing friend/QB Jimmy G is that the whole experiment will be over quickly. This team is bad, buddy.
Do they even put this over/under total on the board in their now fourth-new-home in Sin City?
Or do they take it off like the NBA mandated back in the day when the Maloof Bros owned The Sacramento Kings and The Palms Casino in the early aughts back when Ghost Bar was popping?
Either way, take the under line.
