The 'Happy Birthday, GoodFellas' Week Three Wudder Sports Spectactular
Our favorite flick of all-time, Goodfellas, turned 27 years old this week.
In honor of that, we present to you a special Wiseguy-themed edition of our weekly Wudder Sports preview.
Complete with twenty-seven quotes, one for every year since this classic's release.
Woven into that mix, our six-pack of NFL picks, to bring Nostrabombus up from his current .500 mark, to well above where he belongs, after a rough week two.
*Hands our readers a rocks-glass, filled with Wudder*
It’s an occasion, drink!
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.
Sam “Baby Face” Darnold
The Heisman Hopeful USC QB with the old Chicago bank-robber nickname, has been building his gangster bona fides since he won the starting job last year as a red-shirt freshman. And the turnovers that happened in last week’s heart-stopper against Texas weren’t necessarily his fault. But the young gunslinger has been a bit reckless at points this season, enough to make us worry whether his gang is about to get pinched every weekend so far.
You wasted eight fucking aprons on this guy. We gotta toughen this kid up.
After bolting OKC for a team that won 73 games, KD tried hard to embrace the heel and be gangster. But he keeps proving to be the most sensitive, millennial superstar we’ve ever seen. This week’s exposure of him having created fake Instagram and Facebook accounts, to argue with haters in his own favor, hopefully crystallizes the nadir of this trend. Someone tell this dude to relax and enjoy being great somewhere. This, along with the new line of kicks with soles featuring mean things said about him, is not a good look.
The way I saw it, everybody takes a beating sometime.
Last week was our worst pick performance in the history of The Wudder. Of course, it wasn’t helped by GGG getting robbed against Canelo, Texas getting an Immaculate Reception-level Pick 6 in LA, or the Birds coming up two points short of a backdoor cover, with two FG misses by their backup PK. Such is life in the fortune-telling business. Sometimes you end up fortune’s fool, like Romeo Montague.
And then there was Mo Black’s brother, Fat Andy
Kudos to Big Red, smack dab in the middle of the land of BBQ, looking healthier than he has at any time in his professional head coaching existence. Meanwhile, his team appears to have a healthier shot at Super Bowl glory than any roster he’s had since 2004. We wish him all the best, now that he’s done beating us.
And for the record, we’re taking Kansas City (-3) over LOS ANGELES, while the former San Diego Chargers play at a 25,000 seat soccer stadium visible from the 405 exit in Carson, in front of what will surely be approximately 50% Chiefs Fans.
For us to live any other way was nuts. Those goody-good people who worked shitty jobs for bum paychecks and took the subway to work every day, and worried about their bills, were dead. I mean, they were suckers. They had no balls. If we wanted something, we just took it.
Regardless of what the stats might reflect through two games, Carson Wentz is already approaching Cerfified Gangster status in his second season. He’s playing confidently, and not dink-and-dunking like most young QB’s. He’s taking shots, extending plays, throwing with touch and timing, while not looking the least bit scared. This is the kind of QB play that Eagles Fans should feel blessed to watch.
What Jimmy really loved to do? Was steal.
Talib is feared like Jimmy Conway, particularly when playing receivers who like to play physical, like Dez.
Nearly ten years into his NFL career, he's still pulling cards, snatching chains and taking names.
Who the hell do you think you are? Frankie Valli or some kind of big shot?
This week Brent Grimes’ outspoken wife Miko, went Rambo on ESPN’s Trey Wingo. You can decide for yourself whether she was right or wrong. But the lesson, as always, is this: don’t get on the bad side of Miko Grimes, unless you’re prepared to be undressed in public in the most flagrant fashion possible.
What do you want, fucko, you want some?
Two sacks, Twelve Hurries, Two Deflections, General Mayhem…against one of the best tackles and offensive line units in the league. When Von Miller is at his best, teams are as helpless as some poor schlub being held up by their hair, while being pistol-whipped in their own driveway.
Our husbands weren’t brain surgeons…
Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
Rest in Peace to Bobby Heenan, who passed away from organ failure at age 72 in the beginning of this week. The man occasionally known as The Weasel, long before Pauly Shore, was one of my favorite wise-ass characters from my early childhood, both as a WWF Commentator and Wrestling Heel Manager.
What am I a schmuck on wheels?
Aka “what GMs say when the Sixers call them about a potential Jahlil Okafor trade”.
You’re hanging around my fuckin' neck like a vulture, like impending danger.
Giants (-6.5) over EAGLES
I don’t feel good about this Birds home opener, at least not good enough to pick the Birds by a TD. The Giants D isn’t bad. It’s a division game in an NFC East with no true elite team. Beckham may be further recovered and the Eagles don’t have any depth in the secondary to cover. And the G-Men are playing what is essentially a must-win, in a building they’ve had plenty of success.
Tommy taking over this joint is like putting a silk hat on a pig.
Did anyone catch any wind of Kyrie’s bizarre First Take back-and-forth on Monday? I didn’t see it live, but in hearing and reading clips since, I still have no idea what Kyrie was trying to accomplish there. And I have no idea why he demanded a trade, in his prime, away from LeBron James. Unless he knew Bron was gone at the end of this year, and wanted to somehow get a jump on it.
But I don’t think that’s it. This dude seems hell-bent on being Kobe. Which, first of all, he isn’t. And secondly, is a person whose decision-making was often borne out of his own narcissism and lack of sociability anyway. Meanwhile, if the Lakers had listened to Kobe’s demands in the post-Shaq era and dealt him to the Bulls like he wanted in the offseason of ’06, Kobe woulda retired ringless without the big guy.
Watch it to see Kyrie render the word “woke” officially meaningless, while seemingly under the misguided impression that when he booked the interview, somehow his unprecedented trade demand wouldn’t be the central question.
Fuck You, Pay Me.
Anything that makes a mockery of the New York Mets makes me happy. Especially when it’s self-induced, like the deferred contract resulting in them paying Bobby Bonilla $1.9 million this year, and every year for the past five, until 2035.
But the reason I bring it up here, besides just joning on New York’s biggest joke baseball team, is because there was a good article re-ran on The Undefeated on Tuesday about Bobby Bonilla’s hardscrabble story of triumph, following a rough South Bronx upbringing. He and Puerto Ricans all over, could probably use any feel-good story they can get right about now, in the wake of this brutal hurricane season.
I got respect for this kid. He’s got a lot of fucking balls.
USC’s walk-on kicker, who first got the job because the kicker in front of him got kicked off the team for abusing his girlfriend, nailed two clutch FG to help USC eke out a win vs Texas in a game that never should have been as close as it was. We can only hope SC doesn’t put him in position to tap dance and get blasted later.
Now go home and get your fuckin’ shinebox.
RIP Frank Vincent
We’ll skip the sports motif, for arguably the most memorable line in the movie, to pay respect to the man who delivered it. Actor Frank Vincent passed away from a heart attack last week at age 80. We hope it happened quickly so that he didn’t suffer.
Vincent provided us so many memorable moments, during his many years in film and TV: Raging Bull, The Pope of Greenwich Village, Do the Right Thing, Goodfellas, Jungle Fever, Copland, Casino, NYPD Blue and The Sopranos.
Vincent’s characters suffered greatly at the hands of good friend Joe Pesci's, from two unforgettable bar-beatdowns, in Raging Bull and Goodfellas. He exacted a grisly onscreen “revenge” of sorts, with the unflinchingly graphic, baseball-bat delivered, cornfield mob beating and burial of the Santoro brothers in Casino.
Ma, It’s a sin, to leave it there.
Cowboys (-3) over CARDINALS
I don’t want the Cowboys to cover (-3), or Dak & Zeke to bounce back, all while my boy Carson Palmer looks like he’s about to get bounced out of the league. But Dallas is likely to carve up this Cardinals season Monday night, two months before Thanksgiving.
Security? You’re looking at it.
Falcons (-3) over LIONS
Why is Matt Ryan & the NFL’s hottest team only a field goal favorite at the Lions?
I don’t care that the game’s in Detroit, any dome is home for these Dirty Birds.
You’ll be late to your own fucking funeral.
Former Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Timmons, the Miami Dolphins biggest free-agent splash this offseason, had made a hundred straight starts as a Steeler. The Dolphins’ season started a week late due to the hurricane. Timmons then tried to start his own season a week late, while no-calling, no-showing for Week Two. The whole odd scenario left everyone less than pleased. He’s suspended indefinitely.
What are you, a fuckin’ sick maniac?!?
Aaron Hernandez Autopsy Results
The posthumous brain-scan results of late former New England Patriots star tight-end Aaron Hernandez, who committed suicide this April at age 27, while spending life in prison for the murder of Odin Lloyd, were released. Hernandez was said to be suffering from Stage 3 CTE. It would’ve been far easier for the NFL to sell Hernandez as simply a straight-up sociopath before these findings. And while he still could have been that, once we start parsing root causes of murder, we’re already past the point of no return…it gets harder and harder for us to pretend that football isn’t detrimental to human health.
Jimmy Conway’s barroom stare
The former middleweight champion LaMotta, whose autobiography Raging Bull, led to Martin Scorsese’s film of the same name (AFI #1 film of the 1980’s), passed away on Tuesday at age 95. If you’re familiar with his story, it’s amazing LaMotta’st turbulent life lasted anywhere near that long. And yes, by his own admission, “I’ve done a lot of bad things”. But a somewhat wider birth is given, to those whose life includes being punched in the head for a living. You won’t find many angels amongst that bunch, then or now.
On a related side-note, has any actor/director combo made more iconic bar scenes than Robert Deniro and Martin Scorsese in Mean Streets, Goodfellas and Raging Bull?
It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy.
Texans (-14) over PATRIOTS
We know it sounds crazy. Taking a rookie QB in Foxboro?!? But have any of you seen the way Brady struggles against this Texans defense? Or how New England has next to no tape to study on Watson beside his college highlights? And that the Patriots are almost completely depleted at linebacker and wideout, while Gronk is seemingly a play away at any time from one of the bolts in his neck getting knocked off and sidelining him for three weeks?
Bill Belasterisk has said before he considers September to be the new version of the preseason. Don’t be surprised to see his team treat it like one. They’ll likely win this game, but covering two touchdowns feels like a bridge too far right now.
He’s gone. And we couldn’t do nothing about it.
Cravens, a former USC Trojan star safety, skipped his senior year to play in the NFL. By the start of his second season with the Washington Deadskins, he wasn’t sure he wanted the job any longer. Rather than address this in a sensible fashion, the team owned by Daniel Snyder, placed their second-round pick from last year in a season-long, maybe career purgatory, putting him on the “Left” list.
This way, despite his attempts to potentially return to the team, he will not be able to play this year, will not be paid, and can’t sign somewhere next year either, unless the Skins finally get around to cutting him once his “Left” status ends.
When they found Carbone in the meat truck, he was frozen so stiff it took them three days to thaw him out for the autopsy.
Dear WIP Callers, Novacare Picketers, and other assorted Philly Fan idiots who keep calling for this guy as if he’s the answer. You will eventually realize this dude is essentially late-career Lendale White. Doug Pederson catches a lot of flak, some deserved, but it shouldn’t be for not burning lots of snaps on this one-dimensional, mediocre “power back”. We are not the Patriots. This is on Howie. He needs to go get Shady back, on the cheap, as one more middle-finger to Chip.
Now I Gotta Turn My Back.
Ben McAdoo to Eli Manning
Boy, this coach tossed Eli under the bus with the quickness, didn’t he?
It will be interesting to see how that plays out moving forward. Eli’s a pro, but don’t think he doesn’t have some family in his ear already. Meanwhile the G-Men locker room almost certainly will make mental note of McAdoo’s buck-passing.
Don’t yeah, yeah me, ya little hick, just do it!
Seahawks (+3) over TITANS
Look, I know the Seahawks offense looks shaky. I know Richard Sherman has been dinged already. I know Seattle finds themselves leading the league in controversy.
But what about that is different than any other year? And why would I trust Tennessee to all the sudden be ready to cover three, while stepping on the necks of some angry, pedigreed vets? What is Marcus Mariotta gonna do against this D? The Titans are gonna learn to respect their elders on Sunday.
I bet twenty, thirty grand over a weekend and then I'd either blow the winnings in a week or go to the sharks to pay back the bookies.
The NFL’s Injury Report
The Seahawks’ Richard Sherman on Wednesday:
“I guess from what I understand the rules are for gamblers, for Vegas to make sure the odds and everything are what they are supposed to be, which is apparently what the league is concerned about when talking about injuries and things like that. Perhaps someone should look into that, because I thought we weren’t a gambling league, or were against all of those things. But our injury report is specifically to make sure the gamblers get their odds right.”
The guy's got a point. And I'm always here for anyone calling out the NFL for hypocrisy.
Right after I got here, I ordered spaghetti with marinara sauce and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I'm an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.
RG3 versus Santana Moss
These two players are both retired. But a war of words, sparked by a Moss radio interview and resulting in an RG3 “tweet storm”, became front-page news in DC and a trending topic on all the national sports shows on a slow Wednesday.
Moss, 38 years old and three years into retirement following a highly respected fifteen-year career, appears to be at peace and speaking his mind. RG3, a Young God in The District during his Rookie of the Year campaign just five years ago, yet somehow already out of the league after being dropped by the Browns, does not. Has any elite QB’s shooting star been extinguished quicker than Robert Griffin? None that come to mind.
Have a great weekend, my friends!