Wudder Sports Report: Chip Kelly's Monorail of FAIL, Flock of Eagles, Playoff Predictions
Here Lies the NFL Head Coaching Career of Charles Edward “Chip” Kelly
He had a spark when he started, but now he’s just garbage.
The coaching maverick, once widely known as “Big Balls”, has experienced serious shrinkage. He’ll now either go back to college, with his once-cute-now-corny cue cards tucked under his armpit, tail between his legs, or he’ll bring both bruised parts back to the New England area he was raised, to become Bill Belasterisk’s latest lackey. Either way, the days of The Chipper as the shiny new toy in the NFL, are over.
Undone by his own ego, while displaying no ability to adjust to the league’s adjustments to him, Chip's been exposed as a One-Trick-Little-Pony, now shipped to the glue factory, by two teams within a one year period.
His parting gifts to not coach next year, will be to continue collecting Publisher’s Clearing House-sized checks, from both the Philadelphia Eagles and the San Francisco 49ers. So he's got that going for him, which is what my father would describe as "high-class problems". He should go sit down somewhere for at least a year, maybe try a little TV, but we're guessing he won't. Chip Kelly strikes us as a restless soul, more than a sit home, relax and watch the money pile up type.
The 49ers have been a dumpster fire organization for decades now, pretty much since their then-owner Eddie DeBartolo, caught a corruption charge, and got kicked out the Billionaire Good Ole Boy’s Club of NFL ownership. There was some small respite from the stench of SF’s steaming hot football sewage, during the Jim Harbaugh era. Harbaugh is a superior coach to Chip Kelly, yet somehow ended up on the outs with the organization for reasons most of us will never fully know or care to understand. We won’t pretend we really watched that god-awful team out in the Bay enough this season to pinpoint what went wrong with the recent, neutered version of Kelly without personnel input, but the end result was him being given his walking papers, only a year after he begged his way into the job.
What we can pinpoint, in the same way you might remember the moments before a car accident in slow-motion in your mind's eye, is the excruciating series of self-inflicted, unfortunate decisions that got him sent packing in Philadelphia to panhandling in SF, where he and that dysfunctional organization served out a 365-day stint of mutually assured destruction.
As an Eagle fan, it's akin to inheriting the economy immediately following Dubya’s second term. The Eagles will be digging out from under the rubble of Chip Kelly’s roster de(con)struction, for years to come. We’ll cop to buying into Chip early on, caught up in the exciting newness of Chip’s Philly tenure following 14 years of "time's yours" with diminishing returns. The love affair, like a Chip-coached team offensive possession, didn't long.
Remember the opening night Monday Night Football Game that began Chip Kelly’s NFL career? Who didn't marvel a bit at Chip’s newfangled fast break offense, as the Birds buzzsawed through FedEx Field with Michael Vick? It will go down as the second-most exhilarating Eagles Vick-led Monday Night Game running roughshod over the Redskins in their place, behind of course this:
Unlike 2010, due to Chip’s nonsensical “time of possession doesn’t matter” theory, the Eagle lead evaporated in the 2013 opener, to make the game closer by the end. Much like 2010, Desean Jackson was prominently involved. Unlike Andy Reid, Chip Kelly never recognized what he had in #10. He thought it was his system, not Desean Jackson, who was responsible for taking that safety with him. And for the duration of his Eagle tenure, that crucial error, came back to bite Chip, again and again.
Of course there was a litany of others: nearly every draft selection, Shady-for-Tito-Alfonso, letting Maclin walk, everything involving Riley Cooper, every transaction besides Sproles, every free-agent signing, his inability to not just relate to his players but even acknowledge their presence, the PR leaked "gang ties" saga, Billy Davis, personal vendettas, nine Oregon Ducks brought in without a single one who could actually play, and more illogical things we're still trying to learn to forget.
This was all of course aided and abetted by Jeffy “V.I. Warshawski” Lurie, the silver-spoon-fed New England nincompoop owner who gave Chip the keys to the kingdom, like daddy did his fortune, all because Chip won ten games, like he did with Andy & Ray before him. The results proved even more disastrous, since Chip's personality was more toxic, and his understanding of pro football considerably less.
Where Chip goes and what he does from here, in macabre, rubber-necking fashion, will be as interesting as upcoming live TV Mariah Carey performances. Much like Mimi with a hot mic and no monitor, the safe bet is on it ending badly.
The 2016-17 Season Flock of Eagles Season Wrap-Up
Like Chip Kelly and the Birds’ most recent season, our Flock Of Eagles installments in The Wudder had a spark when they started.
Soon enough, we were stretching to create Winona Ryder movie-quote tie-ins, one of our more underrated ambitious articles if we say so ourselves, just to stay interested.
By the time our favorite Birds of Prey began their free-fall back to their mediocre preseason projection, the once-hot early bird was decomposing into fodder for the the earthworms, while we were frankly too bored with the subject matter to feign frustration or write about them further.
As another unfortunate casualty of 20SickDream famously said, while leading some birds of another feather, they are who we thought we were.
Three years of disastrous Chip drafts yielded approximately two impact starters: Spiked Vein Lane (due to his play + due to what we lose each time he’s suspended), and half an impact player a piece for Zach Ertz and Jordan Matthews.
The first draft post-Chip brought us a quarterback, with all the requisite physical and mental tools necessary, to be our first long-term franchise QB since Donovan McNabb.
We can work with that.
Chip’s now been fired again, nine months after we selected Wentz, who health allowing should be with us for the next nine years.
Big Red may finally win a ring too, to spare us the sight of more Jerry Jones and Chris Christie embraces or a Donald Trump, Bill Belasterisk and Tom Brady champagne bath. If that happens, it would only make sense for Howie to bring back DJack this offseason to complete the wrath.
The Five Spot's 5-Pack Weekend’s Wild Card NFL/College Football National Playoff Picks
Oakland Raiders at Houston Texans (-3.5)
Saturday 4:35 Eastern/1:35 Pacific on ESPN
This is like a UNC-Asheville/Arkansas Pine-Bluff, First Four NCAA March Madness play-in game, for the right to take a redeye to East Rutherford and lose to Kentucky or Kansas by 45 points a couple days later.
You mean to tell me that after 15 years, the Raiders finally make the playoffs again by winning 12 games, playing largely exciting, boom-or-bust Raiders-style football, and now have to do it with their third-string quarterback as their defense leaks oil down the stretch? Life is unfair.
I’d like the team with the best quarterback and best chance to give the Pats a decent game next week, which means neither of these two teams. These squads, plus the Dolphins & Lions, are four new playoff squads from last year’s field, all with the same collective shot of winning a Super Bowl this year as the Eagles, but I'll go Raiders here because they’re less boring than Brock Osweiler & The Texans.
Nostrabombus Pick: THE RAIDAHS
Detroit Lions at Seattle Seahawks (-8)
Saturday 8:15 Eastern/1:15 Pacific on NBC
Tough to get a feel for this one, sorta like Fat Staff seems to be having a tough time getting a good feel for the football, with that splint and glove on his throwing hand. Tough to understand why Jim Caldwell keeping his job, heading into coaching in his second playoff in three years for the historically moribund Lions, is ESPN Update Alert news. Tough to understand why Chuck Pagano is getting another year to help ruin Andrew Luck’s career too but that’s all beside the point.
The Lions aren’t good. The Seahawks, a traditional postseason power this decade, playing with a true home field advantage, are not as good as they could have been, due to the injury to All-World safety Earl "Why Didn't Andy Reid Draft Me" Thomas. But we gotta believe they’re good enough to handle the Lions at home, plus grab a game-sealing turnover late while the Lions play catch-up.
Nostrabombus Pick: The Legion Of Boo-Boo’d Boom
Miami Dolphins at Pittsburgh Steelers (-10)
Sunday, 1:05 Eastern/10:05 Pacific on CBS
Yuck. Another matchup nobody outside two cities wanted to see. There’s at least three AFC teams who didn’t qualify (Cincy, Indy and especially Baltimore) who would probably line up as more entertaining prospects in this spot.
But maybe Miami will surprise us by making this one interesting. It’s possible. They did, after all, run roughshod over the Steelers with their rushing attack earlier in the season and Donkey Kong Suh put Big Head Rapelessburglar out of the game early. If they can run and main like that on Saturday night, they might just be alright. Pitt will win this game, but ten points is too much to lay in a parity-driven league in a game not involving a truly elite team.
Nostrabombus Pick: Finslaytens Wake
New York Giants at Green Bay Packers (-4.5)
Sunday 4:40 Eastern/1:40 Pacific on FOX
NOW WE’RE COOKING WITH GAS! The NFL wisely saved the weekend’s tastiest dish for last. So try not to load up on the water chestnuts and dinner rolls, being dolled out early Saturday, because you wanna save room in your stomach for the main course. Also, try not to read too much into that whole Eli-at-Lambeau thing. That’s a fluke like a David Tyree helmet catch, a dropped Asante Samuel game-ending interception, a miraculous Mario Manningham game-saving sideline snag or Peyton having to fight twice to tie his brother in Super Bowl rings.
Could the Giants win? Sure, if Green Bay’s defensive pumpkin, which has improved late in the season, resurfaces and Odell Beckham goes crazy with like 200+ and a touch. But it’s probably just as likely you see “The Eli Face”, GODgers balls like one of the best to ever do it like he is, and Odell Beckham goes crazy in the 730 sense.
Nostrabombus Pick: Aaron GODgers, Clay Matthews and Dem Boyz
College Football Playoff Championship Game
Alabama vs. Clemson at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa
Monday 8:30 Eastern/5:30 Pacific on ESPN
How bad must Lane Kiffin hate Nick Saban to take a paycut to get out of the most highly-compensated and currently successful program in college sports, in order to take over at Florida International University?
How much must Nick Saban hate Lane, and the fact that he doesn’t care for Nick screaming on him like a juvenile probation officer, because he knows he’s only on the job another week, that he would risk firing him and hiring Lane’s more PR-savy, drunk-on-the-job doppelganger, Steve Sarkisian?
The answer is a lot, on both sides.
How much firepower does Clemson have, on both sides?
A lot, particularly at wide receiver and quarterback.
How much firepower does Bama have?
Not much, on offense. A lot, on defense, though we’re not sure when it comes to the secondary, because they haven’t played anybody who can throw the football well.
Until Monday night, that is.
Clemson almost won this game last year, without the two stud wide outs they have lining up outside on Monday night. Deshaun Watson gave Bama fits with his legs and his arm last year anyway.
If you’re a betting man, taking the 6.5 points with a ton of offensive talent, versus an offense that counters with a freshman QB, new OC and vanilla scheme, seems like a safe play, even if Nick Saban is the best there is. But if you got the loot and the guts, take the money-line on Dabo’s team to win this game straight up.
Nostrabombus Pick: Tiger Paw Marks the #1 Spot